My Nationality Is My Identity Is My Pride. Don't Get It Wrong.

I like editing my posts. I reckon it’s become some sort of habit embedded in me by the School of Government teaching staff to keep reading what I have written and then edit them. And for this case, I can go a long way to pursuing my editing habit because I can just keep editing and editing the same posts since they are not essay assignments, for if they were (essay assignments), there would have been deadlines and feedbacks from scholars to prevent radicalism to my edit habit.

So unluckily, weblogs give me plenty of opportunity to edit my words wherever and whenever I feel like it. And that means not only will I have new stuff added to my blog update but also the latest version of my long time published posts! Bet my friends won’t even be able to tell what’s being updated someday. And with Friendster’s latest updating system, I feel so sorry for my friends for having to receive plenty of unnecessary email messages informing them of my recently updated blog. I’m sorry, it’s just some freaking habit I’ve picked up here and am definitely aware of that, hence apologies to everyone beforehand, yeah?

So all’s good. But editing posts is not exactly what I’m going to write here. In this post, I’m discussing an issue pertaining to my choice of words, more precisely the words I used to describe myself in My Profile of my Friendsters homepage, which I found to be rather offensive after re-reading it, and which goes like this, “I'm a Singaporean Malay, and I need to stress on the fact that I DO NOT have any Malaysian background. I learned that this (fact) is a necessary piece of shit to stress on when talking about oneself to foreigners, even if the foreigner comes from as close as 'across the causeway'.” I know that this sounds arrogant and harsh, and can be easily interpreted by many that I hate being mistaken for a Malaysian. Well, if that is so, I’m sorry because that’s a huge misinterpretation done there, baby! But I understand where a person’s coming from if that’s the case, for at least that is how it sounds. That presumption is partly right for sure but I don’t hate being identified for a Malaysian, it is too strong a statement. I’m just not happy to be CONSTANTLY identified for the wrong thing and I suppose this feeling is normal in just about anybody given such persistence in situations alike.

I have American friends who would express to me their resentment to those who mistook them for Canadians. And as a matter of fact they are not the only ones feeling that way; the Japanese would get really unhappy if they were mistaken for Koreans or Chinese either. So you see, it is normal to find the matter of being mistakenly identified objectionable, and as for my case, it is more than merely a mistaken identity but the persistence of the people to ignore so many facts with regards to me and Singapore, whether or not, corrected.

My first year outside Singapore, not only did I discover that people do not know much about Singapore, but also based on my appearance, people somehow think I can never be a Singapore citizen. There was always this extra question from those whom after having myself identified as a Singaporean, would ask me questions like, “where are you ORIGINALLY from? Or “where are your parents from?” You know, simply questions that indicate, “I don’t believe you are a Singaporean”, or rather, “Singaporeans don’t look like this”. Sensitive as I may be, but you know, situations alike arouse a feeling of insult that for a while makes me feel as if I have lost a sense of belonging subsequent to the denial of my origin from these people who seemed to have very little information about Singapore. I remember meeting Ben’s dad at a Sushi bar for dinner one evening, feeling ever appreciative of his rare knowledge of Singapore, and the absence of questions that challenge my origin. That was the first time ever that I could recall of such enjoyment I have had having chatted with a westerner about hometowns.

Other than Ben’s dad, other westerners seemed to be either really ignorant or simply narrow-minded in accepting the fact that such a person like me could be a Singaporean. Other than incessantly guessing Marinah must have come from either Indonesia or Malaysia because she dons a headscarf (funny when neither Indonesian Muslim women nor Malaysian Muslim women whom I met in Tas put on headscarf), many people also think Singapore; just because it is not a Muslim state, it is hence not home to Muslims. I’ve got people questioning me, “Oh, are there Muslims in Singapore?” and these are simply questions asked for the sake of asking, for I would say, none are really as curious to know and learn from questions posed even if I bother to give a proper explanation. None of whom are ready to open their mind to listen to the answer and learn from it because what they see before them is a Southeast Asian Muslim girl whose head is covered with a piece of cloth acknowledging herself as a Singaporean to these westerners. It makes it really hard for these westerners to accept the fact that this person whom they are talking to, is what a Singaporean is and that it differs from their perception and illusion of the people of Singapore given the cultural, economic and political images of the country that they have always had in their mind.

As heart aching as it might be, I think it is still better to hear of such things from westerners, including easterner-by-map, the Australians, than from fellow Southeast Asians themselves. Whilst Australians keep thinking everyone is like them, a 2nd generation of migrant parents from Chile, or a 3rd generation Italian migrants, and so forth, it is less offensive compared to questions posed by a few Malaysian Chinese questioning me of my parent’s origin as if dissatisfied with the fact that I am from Singapore. I was obviously offended but really curious at the same time to know what they think Singapore is made up of, or rather, what they had in mind of typical Singaporean Malay. And given all these crap that I have been going through, I was of course very defensive of myself, and remembered replying to one of them, “I’m from Singapore, my parents are from Singapore, my grandparents are from Singapore, and I do not have any relatives in Malaysia at all!!”

Well, this is no arrogance if you could understand my feelings based on what I have been through. And of course questions and guesses of my origin are nothing harmful, but when they turn into some sort of presumption and get all too extreme by number, it could be heart aching for a person like me who is so desperate to be correctly identified. I mean, who on earth would be proud of something they are not??!! I am not one such person, besides I can never be the person others have always thought I am of relation to because I know nothing much about life in Malaysia, I did not grow up there at all, and I do not have any relatives living there to provide me with insights of life in the country, which all together means that I have little idea of the politics, social, and economics of Malaysia.

So you see it’s all these encounters with ignorant, narrow-minded people that make me jump to ensure I identify myself clearly. I mean it’s not like I hate Malaysia or something but I simply want to be known for who I am…and with this, I have thought of a new idea to open up the eyes of all these narrow-minded and ignorant people at uni, at least…I plan to draw a map consisting of Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia and Australia (and/or probably include a map of China if there’s space!!) on the Graffiti Board in all female toilets at the uni campus, and draw an arrow and include annotation to clearly point out where Singapore is and what it is made up of!!